dancing fools

"you funny"

"no your funny"

"stop it"

"no you stop it"

"alright how bout this..."

"when i turn on the radio we'll dance like idiots"

"okay thats a deal"

(turns on the radio)

"damn it, it's a slow song."

"what does that mean?"

"it means that we should slow dance"

"LIKE IDIOTS???!!!"

"no normally."

"alright, i can do that."

"i have to admit something."

"what is that?"

"i knew that it was going to be slow song on the radio"

"you did?"

"i wanted an excuse to hold you close to me"

"you did? why?"

"because i've always liked you, infact it's beyond like it's love you."

"you do? i have to admit something too."

"okay what's that?"

"i've always loved you too but i'm moving away."

"well lets enjoy what we have for however long we got."

"that sounds like a deal, but what if it hurts?"

"we'll figure something out. i know we'll see each other again."

"i hope your right because it hurt for this long knowing i loved you and not saying it."

"your my best friend my one true love"

"i feel the same."

"lets steal the stars tonight, laugh at the dumb things, dance in rain, lets spend the rest our lives finding out what love means together."

"are gonna be the test dolls on this?"

"yes silly, i wanna be the one you think when you stare at the stars, i wanna be the girl you remember for dancing like a retard and the one you die with when we're old and grey."

"i couldn't agree with you more."

This is the true feelings that i share with one other person. this is the twisted chopped and screwed version of one of them conversations you will never forget. first love never dies, but it does hurt.

officially day six, (haven't slept yet so its still day seven to me)

day six

 today is pay day for me. i checked my balance in my account and i see that its barely enough to cover my bills, completely bummed? why yes i am. i sit here thinking about when i was a teenager this would last me a whole month and it wouldn't bother me. i guess when you work as hard as i have it sux ass! just saying that is.

so my plans for today are simple. well maybe after this i'll go to bed finally. get up and get ready. flat iron the  hair, apply the face paint, head to wal-mart. buy the minutes for the cell phone, make the money order out to my storage unit. what will that leave me with? like $30 and that's it. WTH!!! idk, i need a life! i need a better job!!!!!!!!!

me and terrez are some what on good terms. that's a little pressure off of my chest but honestly it bugs the shit outta me. i hate fight with him and i know that he sometimes say stuff and doesn't mean it cuz he's really not a mean person nor is he the type to intentionally start a fight. just bugs me that he thinks that he seriously believes that i messed around like that. we're not together first off but i do love him and in many ways i feel I'm cheating when i look or talk to another dude. i guess i need to end all conversations with other dudes. no boinking going on here. probably a good thing. it sux when i have waited for this moment for so long that i still can't have him fully. i'm the other women once again. the one thing i said i wouldn't be. it's only for 6 more days. then i'll be broken up forever once again. i'll think about all the great conversations we  had, all the laughs and i'll think about how he hugged me when i broke down and cried my eyes about the thought of us separating.

oh god i'm freaking out so bad inside. i'm freaking out cuz when i get home i have to find a job. i have to find ways to work. i have to find a way to bring in the money. i'm not use to not having money... like ever. i'm freaking out cuz i that's a thought i don't wanna think about. at the same time i'm happy because i think it will bring me and my mom closer again. i think the next time i come to CT. it's only gonna be for 2 weeks and i'm getting a hotel room. to much mom for me. i went from being an adult to their little girl. once that happens there's no stopping it. oh god the stress level is insane in here because of all the crap that happens. i will miss the family feeling though. i haven't had that often enough in my life. it's a great feeling when you have it. i guess that's why i want a kid. after college that is. lol! i have a few more years to go and by golly i'm going to get it done. no more fooling around. time to concentrate on me.

i know i'm rambling on like no other but it's really extremely late. i was going to be at decent hours then this creeped up on me and it's scaring me like alot so no sleep for me. i'll end on a happy note. i love T. and have loved him for six years, i'm gonna start concentrating on me for now on, i'm also going to appreciate my family a lot more for the next six days. that means no more fighting. most importantly i must pay my bills 2maro, and i will find a job when i get back to MT.

Good night viewers. sorry you read my sob story but hey it kept you some what entertained. right?...????