dancing fools

"you funny"

"no your funny"

"stop it"

"no you stop it"

"alright how bout this..."

"when i turn on the radio we'll dance like idiots"

"okay thats a deal"

(turns on the radio)

"damn it, it's a slow song."

"what does that mean?"

"it means that we should slow dance"

"LIKE IDIOTS???!!!"

"no normally."

"alright, i can do that."

"i have to admit something."

"what is that?"

"i knew that it was going to be slow song on the radio"

"you did?"

"i wanted an excuse to hold you close to me"

"you did? why?"

"because i've always liked you, infact it's beyond like it's love you."

"you do? i have to admit something too."

"okay what's that?"

"i've always loved you too but i'm moving away."

"well lets enjoy what we have for however long we got."

"that sounds like a deal, but what if it hurts?"

"we'll figure something out. i know we'll see each other again."

"i hope your right because it hurt for this long knowing i loved you and not saying it."

"your my best friend my one true love"

"i feel the same."

"lets steal the stars tonight, laugh at the dumb things, dance in rain, lets spend the rest our lives finding out what love means together."

"are gonna be the test dolls on this?"

"yes silly, i wanna be the one you think when you stare at the stars, i wanna be the girl you remember for dancing like a retard and the one you die with when we're old and grey."

"i couldn't agree with you more."

This is the true feelings that i share with one other person. this is the twisted chopped and screwed version of one of them conversations you will never forget. first love never dies, but it does hurt.

officially day six, (haven't slept yet so its still day seven to me)

day six

 today is pay day for me. i checked my balance in my account and i see that its barely enough to cover my bills, completely bummed? why yes i am. i sit here thinking about when i was a teenager this would last me a whole month and it wouldn't bother me. i guess when you work as hard as i have it sux ass! just saying that is.

so my plans for today are simple. well maybe after this i'll go to bed finally. get up and get ready. flat iron the  hair, apply the face paint, head to wal-mart. buy the minutes for the cell phone, make the money order out to my storage unit. what will that leave me with? like $30 and that's it. WTH!!! idk, i need a life! i need a better job!!!!!!!!!

me and terrez are some what on good terms. that's a little pressure off of my chest but honestly it bugs the shit outta me. i hate fight with him and i know that he sometimes say stuff and doesn't mean it cuz he's really not a mean person nor is he the type to intentionally start a fight. just bugs me that he thinks that he seriously believes that i messed around like that. we're not together first off but i do love him and in many ways i feel I'm cheating when i look or talk to another dude. i guess i need to end all conversations with other dudes. no boinking going on here. probably a good thing. it sux when i have waited for this moment for so long that i still can't have him fully. i'm the other women once again. the one thing i said i wouldn't be. it's only for 6 more days. then i'll be broken up forever once again. i'll think about all the great conversations we  had, all the laughs and i'll think about how he hugged me when i broke down and cried my eyes about the thought of us separating.

oh god i'm freaking out so bad inside. i'm freaking out cuz when i get home i have to find a job. i have to find ways to work. i have to find a way to bring in the money. i'm not use to not having money... like ever. i'm freaking out cuz i that's a thought i don't wanna think about. at the same time i'm happy because i think it will bring me and my mom closer again. i think the next time i come to CT. it's only gonna be for 2 weeks and i'm getting a hotel room. to much mom for me. i went from being an adult to their little girl. once that happens there's no stopping it. oh god the stress level is insane in here because of all the crap that happens. i will miss the family feeling though. i haven't had that often enough in my life. it's a great feeling when you have it. i guess that's why i want a kid. after college that is. lol! i have a few more years to go and by golly i'm going to get it done. no more fooling around. time to concentrate on me.

i know i'm rambling on like no other but it's really extremely late. i was going to be at decent hours then this creeped up on me and it's scaring me like alot so no sleep for me. i'll end on a happy note. i love T. and have loved him for six years, i'm gonna start concentrating on me for now on, i'm also going to appreciate my family a lot more for the next six days. that means no more fighting. most importantly i must pay my bills 2maro, and i will find a job when i get back to MT.

Good night viewers. sorry you read my sob story but hey it kept you some what entertained. right?...????

the countdown starts, "Day Seven"

today is the mark of official countdown.
for seven days i'll post on poem or journal entry about my last few days here in CT.
i know my anxiety will spike and i know my depression will hit me harder then you think.


so this day seven.
right now all i'm feeling is i gotta do what i wanna do before i leave. i gotta fuck fuck fuck. yes i wanna boink every dude i had chances with and never acted on. i wanna drink at a bar soon, i wanna make love one more time to my T., i would so love to hug my mom everyday. i wanna babysit my nephew everyday till i leave. right now i'm freaking out inside cuz i'm leaving. 


i know i asked to go back home, i got my wish. i just didn't know i was gonna be hurting like this. all the feelings and all the emotions are effecting me bad. i keep thinking about when i'll see my brother and girlfriend again? will i be old as hell the next time i see joel? what if the next time i see my mom and dad is when they're dead? when i see terrez again what if i'm married? i shouldn't be think about this cuz that's when i have them random tear drops.


what i did today was nothing. i got up and bullshitted with my brother, watched teen mom 2 and jersey shore. made tuna fish sandwiches, i cleaned my room, put my clothes away. i sat on the couch with mom and hugged her. told my dad he could keep the change after he bought my mountain dew. now what am i doing? its only 9:23 pm and i'm sitting her arguing with T, txtn my cousin cuz she's bored, listening to Ciara's like a boy. i have no life what so ever tonight. last night was popping though. i ran 3.2 miles chilled at home with the rents and then i took off with fred for a while. he's a real asshole but sex is great.  my only sex buddy by the way. i just have put it out there that it was the best yet....LMAO!
so lets hope day seven ends great and i wake up on day six happy. =) i'll keep you updated

first love never dies

truth is this...
6 years and i still love this guy. it never ended and we were never ever together like that. so we'll call him T. and the stupid bitch that interferes with us is C.

i was 16 and way dumb to the city ways
apparently i was his gurl...
that's when i fell in love with you
that school bus gave us a ride straight to love
we had our little crew too
they all knew we were the new hot thing
didn't matter what was going on we had each other

i had a crappy life style
all the mental and emotional abuse
i remember i seen you when they closed them ambulance doors.
i cried not cuz my dad knocked my tooth out but cuz you seen me like that
T something about you had me hooked
in the midst of all this C was on the prowl
new chick from cali and was feeling you the same way i did
no shame them damn cali bastards

i give her some credit cuz she really played me
did me dirty right below my nose
didn't even smell the bullshit
i guess she was the reason we faught alot.
well she was and come to find out C was trying to get with you
so we kinda ended it between us

year passes we ran into each other
didn't really talk
found someone else, he didn't have me fully
T was in my mind
i didn't want it to be over and i wasn't going to except it
C was outta my picture, told the bitch to fuck off
almost beat her ass and she moved.
i moved shortly after.
never to say bye to you.
probably a great thing cuz i didn't want it be a good bye situation.
you were the cute love song we all have and we hit repeat.
T was my personal love song that i could never get over.
3 years in MT and all i could do is think of you.
i remember the summer i graduated, seen you
heart dropped
you could take my pulse in my toes
thump thump thump
fucking blockbuster, how could you not have a place to hide?
anyways i remember you smiled a little bit.
i just kept looking forward, i had no idea why i was mad

so here i am year six. i still feel the same way.
not mad, but madly in love.
my mistake is realizing it.
saying it and now i'm forced to believe that i do love him.
oh gee
4 days later we still have shit to talk about.
i cry every night knowing that i'm getting on that plane
not knowing when i'll see him again
once again he's going to be my memory
he's gonna be that song on the radio
he's gonna be the guy that no man can live up to
fml right.
six years and i still love you terrez
first love hurts
first love never dies
i know twenty years down the road i'll still feel the same way
it never ended.
so lets hope i don't hurt so much later!