ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tonight is the last night here, i can't get over it. i know i said i would be keeping it updated on the count down... but when your busy and you stay out till god knows when it's hard to stay up and write.

i have never laughed and smiled so much in life. i have never fully been this content on things. deep down i'm sad as hell about shit. i'm leaving my family. i'm leaving my mom and dad, i'm leaving my brother and nephew. I'm just leaving and i'm not fully okay with it. it sux being in love. its the best feeling in the world. cloud 9 can't compare to how i feel. at the same time of feeling so happy it can also hurt knowing that you're leaving and most importantly when you feel like they don't feel the same. i've never felt so comfortable in someones arms and i have never ever cried so much cuz it hurts. my last night is spent with family. and with my tears on my pillow cuz i know i won't see him.

in like six months i haven't been on here for the most commonest reason... i forgot my password.

anyways i  been sitting around being a loser for the last six months because i can't find a job. but i been beading like a maniac. i can do this i keep telling myself. i like having my money but i don't like stabbing myself with a needle to do it... i have some massive calluses on my finger tips. you could swear i was a diabetic because of it.

this summer i have swam, cooked, beaded, assisted in an outfit. I have pow wowed a little bit and most importantly i have made up with my cousin aka my sister. I love her so much that life is dole without her in it. 

Salish Language

my passion in life has been very clear to the ones that come and go in our department here at SKC. I have my whole life to achieve them moments that will stay behind after i leave this world. At this point a lot of my people need to wake up from their nests and see that we don't have our whole lives to save our language.


I wasn't aware of what i was getting myself into when i jumped head first in the language, i just knew that if it made me feel great and have a self identity then i want to help others. i want others to feel this great about being indian. I've always been the one to fight and voice my opinion. why not fight for my people i thought? why not make my grandpa happy, maybe i'll have a great understanding on why my grandma is the way she is. As the time has moved on after i made up my mind i realize no matter the reason of my grandma is the way she is... it̓s up to me to reach out and do this. I maybe one person, there is a lot of us younger ones that want to and have made the stand to say that the past is no longer going to effect who we are and what we̓re going to be doing. I love my language so much! the days i want to cry and give up on life i bounce back because that̓s when my adopted family will talk in the language. We have lost enough of great people, and when they pass we end up loosing all their knowledge. That̓s the saddest part. Not everyone is a natural teacher or has it in them. They do however have the knowledge and it̓s up to us to tap into it.


I have fell so completely, head over heels, deeply in love with my language. Every indian person out there needs their identity and i strongly believe that one of the fastest and quickest way of providing it, is to teach them the language! culture will go hand in hand and guess what?! they will have their identity. being indian is more then just saying you are or having a pedagree! i could just go off for days, but that would be to much! i just feel that in order to keep my language alive and thriving is we need to put all the meaness away, and stop our negative behaviors. we need as the people need to stand strong with our elders! i think that is the only way to make it live on. (plus to not kill fairies lol!)

dancing fools

"you funny"

"no your funny"

"stop it"

"no you stop it"

"alright how bout this..."

"when i turn on the radio we'll dance like idiots"

"okay thats a deal"

(turns on the radio)

"damn it, it's a slow song."

"what does that mean?"

"it means that we should slow dance"

"LIKE IDIOTS???!!!"

"no normally."

"alright, i can do that."

"i have to admit something."

"what is that?"

"i knew that it was going to be slow song on the radio"

"you did?"

"i wanted an excuse to hold you close to me"

"you did? why?"

"because i've always liked you, infact it's beyond like it's love you."

"you do? i have to admit something too."

"okay what's that?"

"i've always loved you too but i'm moving away."

"well lets enjoy what we have for however long we got."

"that sounds like a deal, but what if it hurts?"

"we'll figure something out. i know we'll see each other again."

"i hope your right because it hurt for this long knowing i loved you and not saying it."

"your my best friend my one true love"

"i feel the same."

"lets steal the stars tonight, laugh at the dumb things, dance in rain, lets spend the rest our lives finding out what love means together."

"are gonna be the test dolls on this?"

"yes silly, i wanna be the one you think when you stare at the stars, i wanna be the girl you remember for dancing like a retard and the one you die with when we're old and grey."

"i couldn't agree with you more."

This is the true feelings that i share with one other person. this is the twisted chopped and screwed version of one of them conversations you will never forget. first love never dies, but it does hurt.

officially day six, (haven't slept yet so its still day seven to me)

day six

 today is pay day for me. i checked my balance in my account and i see that its barely enough to cover my bills, completely bummed? why yes i am. i sit here thinking about when i was a teenager this would last me a whole month and it wouldn't bother me. i guess when you work as hard as i have it sux ass! just saying that is.

so my plans for today are simple. well maybe after this i'll go to bed finally. get up and get ready. flat iron the  hair, apply the face paint, head to wal-mart. buy the minutes for the cell phone, make the money order out to my storage unit. what will that leave me with? like $30 and that's it. WTH!!! idk, i need a life! i need a better job!!!!!!!!!

me and terrez are some what on good terms. that's a little pressure off of my chest but honestly it bugs the shit outta me. i hate fight with him and i know that he sometimes say stuff and doesn't mean it cuz he's really not a mean person nor is he the type to intentionally start a fight. just bugs me that he thinks that he seriously believes that i messed around like that. we're not together first off but i do love him and in many ways i feel I'm cheating when i look or talk to another dude. i guess i need to end all conversations with other dudes. no boinking going on here. probably a good thing. it sux when i have waited for this moment for so long that i still can't have him fully. i'm the other women once again. the one thing i said i wouldn't be. it's only for 6 more days. then i'll be broken up forever once again. i'll think about all the great conversations we  had, all the laughs and i'll think about how he hugged me when i broke down and cried my eyes about the thought of us separating.

oh god i'm freaking out so bad inside. i'm freaking out cuz when i get home i have to find a job. i have to find ways to work. i have to find a way to bring in the money. i'm not use to not having money... like ever. i'm freaking out cuz i that's a thought i don't wanna think about. at the same time i'm happy because i think it will bring me and my mom closer again. i think the next time i come to CT. it's only gonna be for 2 weeks and i'm getting a hotel room. to much mom for me. i went from being an adult to their little girl. once that happens there's no stopping it. oh god the stress level is insane in here because of all the crap that happens. i will miss the family feeling though. i haven't had that often enough in my life. it's a great feeling when you have it. i guess that's why i want a kid. after college that is. lol! i have a few more years to go and by golly i'm going to get it done. no more fooling around. time to concentrate on me.

i know i'm rambling on like no other but it's really extremely late. i was going to be at decent hours then this creeped up on me and it's scaring me like alot so no sleep for me. i'll end on a happy note. i love T. and have loved him for six years, i'm gonna start concentrating on me for now on, i'm also going to appreciate my family a lot more for the next six days. that means no more fighting. most importantly i must pay my bills 2maro, and i will find a job when i get back to MT.

Good night viewers. sorry you read my sob story but hey it kept you some what entertained. right?...????

the countdown starts, "Day Seven"

today is the mark of official countdown.
for seven days i'll post on poem or journal entry about my last few days here in CT.
i know my anxiety will spike and i know my depression will hit me harder then you think.


so this day seven.
right now all i'm feeling is i gotta do what i wanna do before i leave. i gotta fuck fuck fuck. yes i wanna boink every dude i had chances with and never acted on. i wanna drink at a bar soon, i wanna make love one more time to my T., i would so love to hug my mom everyday. i wanna babysit my nephew everyday till i leave. right now i'm freaking out inside cuz i'm leaving. 


i know i asked to go back home, i got my wish. i just didn't know i was gonna be hurting like this. all the feelings and all the emotions are effecting me bad. i keep thinking about when i'll see my brother and girlfriend again? will i be old as hell the next time i see joel? what if the next time i see my mom and dad is when they're dead? when i see terrez again what if i'm married? i shouldn't be think about this cuz that's when i have them random tear drops.


what i did today was nothing. i got up and bullshitted with my brother, watched teen mom 2 and jersey shore. made tuna fish sandwiches, i cleaned my room, put my clothes away. i sat on the couch with mom and hugged her. told my dad he could keep the change after he bought my mountain dew. now what am i doing? its only 9:23 pm and i'm sitting her arguing with T, txtn my cousin cuz she's bored, listening to Ciara's like a boy. i have no life what so ever tonight. last night was popping though. i ran 3.2 miles chilled at home with the rents and then i took off with fred for a while. he's a real asshole but sex is great.  my only sex buddy by the way. i just have put it out there that it was the best yet....LMAO!
so lets hope day seven ends great and i wake up on day six happy. =) i'll keep you updated

first love never dies

truth is this...
6 years and i still love this guy. it never ended and we were never ever together like that. so we'll call him T. and the stupid bitch that interferes with us is C.

i was 16 and way dumb to the city ways
apparently i was his gurl...
that's when i fell in love with you
that school bus gave us a ride straight to love
we had our little crew too
they all knew we were the new hot thing
didn't matter what was going on we had each other

i had a crappy life style
all the mental and emotional abuse
i remember i seen you when they closed them ambulance doors.
i cried not cuz my dad knocked my tooth out but cuz you seen me like that
T something about you had me hooked
in the midst of all this C was on the prowl
new chick from cali and was feeling you the same way i did
no shame them damn cali bastards

i give her some credit cuz she really played me
did me dirty right below my nose
didn't even smell the bullshit
i guess she was the reason we faught alot.
well she was and come to find out C was trying to get with you
so we kinda ended it between us

year passes we ran into each other
didn't really talk
found someone else, he didn't have me fully
T was in my mind
i didn't want it to be over and i wasn't going to except it
C was outta my picture, told the bitch to fuck off
almost beat her ass and she moved.
i moved shortly after.
never to say bye to you.
probably a great thing cuz i didn't want it be a good bye situation.
you were the cute love song we all have and we hit repeat.
T was my personal love song that i could never get over.
3 years in MT and all i could do is think of you.
i remember the summer i graduated, seen you
heart dropped
you could take my pulse in my toes
thump thump thump
fucking blockbuster, how could you not have a place to hide?
anyways i remember you smiled a little bit.
i just kept looking forward, i had no idea why i was mad

so here i am year six. i still feel the same way.
not mad, but madly in love.
my mistake is realizing it.
saying it and now i'm forced to believe that i do love him.
oh gee
4 days later we still have shit to talk about.
i cry every night knowing that i'm getting on that plane
not knowing when i'll see him again
once again he's going to be my memory
he's gonna be that song on the radio
he's gonna be the guy that no man can live up to
fml right.
six years and i still love you terrez
first love hurts
first love never dies
i know twenty years down the road i'll still feel the same way
it never ended.
so lets hope i don't hurt so much later!

crappy feeling

you know what i hate so damn much?
being stood up, especially to go chill with my brother. i know he's not my boyfriend, he's just a friend but holy crap when you tell me you wanna chill and make it clear that 2day was the day please don't stand me up. i mean its hard enough for me already; with hardly any friends and no life i can barely cope with myself.

round two and i'm still bothered by it. he chills with my brother and my "ex" husband. which by the way was a real fake marriage. i'm sitting here really hurt because i feel like no matter what i can't find a decent enough guy to be friends with or anything. i mean i feel more like an ass because i brought him home to my family. he goes way back with my brothers and me.

i think i just need to go rent a movie and chill out. i'm out. i'm going to try and not let this bother me at all.

old love never dies

its funny how people come and go in your life. for a brief moment i thought i would never ever see this person again that i would live the rest of my life thinking that we ended on bad terms. We actually never really ended though. facebook, seems to be the best way to find people and what do you know we found each other. emotions ran high for days on end between us and eventually the truth came out about everything. why we didn't talk anymore why everything happened. it was nice to know that we went back to our old selves. the smiles and laughs the awesome conversations about nothing. life perceptions for each other. there was one thing that did change, he became a parent. there i was looking at him in different light seeing that he was so happy to be a dad. it was glow i never seen before. well lets make this short.
i moved to CT. when i was 16 and i fell in love this guy at first sight. we never ever became nothing and everyday i was sad and confused. it was like i was in a weird love spell and couldn't break it. it took a fight and me moving to the other side of town to get away from it all. no matter what though he was on my mind. i moved across the country, i caught myself holding onto him by keeping him as a myspace friend. when i noticed i deleted him.
exactly like always he's a blast from the past. he can make me smile with out trying. he can make me cry with just one word, he can make me laugh.... he can me do all of these things and yet like when i was 16 i don't have control over any of it and catch myself falling in love all over again. i see that i'm putting myself in a trap to fail and realize that he was the one that got away from me. But T.Doc you will always be my first love and will always have that power that no other person has had over me.

Is this true? I can post from a txt? If your reading this then it worked! Yay!

break it now please

just break my heart now.

just tell me there's no more mountain dew

just tell me now that you won't call me anymore

just say that you only come around for one thing

just tell me you ate all the cheese

can you just please be honest with me now.

just shatter my heart now so that i can cry

whine

rant

rave

scream

&& get over it.

no need to play hangman with my brains

chances are someone is going to be hung and we all know

it won't

be you...

so please just break it now.

no brake, no brace, save or even stash

pain is pain

I'll get over it

Indians word

lets see if you know what that means

;)

Working at BBW

ugh once again.
i'm working, i don't ever remember not wanting to go to work.
until now.
BBW is a hell hole when it comes to working with Court.
i'll explain sooner or later.
probably later before sooner is a possibility.
lets just say that its a great place when she's not there
and the spastic schedule changes
&& when they listen to me!!!
when i say i can't work closing that means i can't work closing shifts!
dumb dumb i swear!

Nicki Minaj - Moment 4 Life (Clean Version) ft. Drake

 ♥ it!

M- stands for majority rules
I- stands for IDK moments
R- stands for RANDOM THOUGHTS!
A- stands for anxiety
N- stands for the NAH BRAH its not down like that
D- stands for DUH
A-stands for AMAZING!

any objections?

instant reminders

its just a reminder,
when i walk down this street
ride this bus towards such a place

my pain returns full forced
it doesn't stop and takes my rational thoughts away
older male in the house, i'm out

i seen his face,
think of him with every male i'm with
disgusting feelings and thoughts show

i know its been five years
five years of struggling
its just been five years of haunting

gifts are always nice right?
giving is better then recieveing
then why would you take a gift

i seen your face a couple weeks ago
i went to work panic that you recognized me
thoughts were banging messed up

i talked about you after i gave a gift away
he said he remembered you
said he was sorry it happened

i cried all night
even in my dreams i cried
your face kept appearing

five years later
i'm stronger and very scared
scared of every hello and remark made towards me

five years later
i can say i'm not fully healed
so i'm sitting here writing about it

i wonder if you understand the word no now?
if you think about that moment and regret what you did
i wonder if you still think what you did wasn't wrong

instant reminders
when i'm in a room full of older males i don't know
panic attacks when men hit on me

i am what you would call damaged goods
all because my gift was taken
even with screams of no

skipped this ooopss! my introduction

Hello again,
I totally forgot to introduce myself, i was just so bothered by V-day.
My name is Miranda, i tend to go by Roo or Likok for short. i am 22 years old and at the moment i'm stuck in CT. working at Bath & Body Works. Truth is i came out here when i was 21 with intentions of going back home, home is actually in Montana, in a couple of months. things didn't work out and it was always a failed attempt of going back. I'm a native american, salish and blackfeet. it's hard being indian now days. we always face them stereo types of not graduating, suicide, alcoholism, we face the never leaving the reservations thing, loosing our languages, gang violence, the drug use, the list keeps going and going and going. i can proudly say that i have over came alot things, even suicide attempts.

You see, i'm looked at as a really strong women. inside i'm very torn up and hurt. i suffer from depression. the chemical in balance actually rules my life. no matter how hard i try i'm usually over the top happy or way under the radar of sadness. i try to level myself out and no matter how hard i try it never works unless i'm on my medicine. on top of my depression i suffer from anxiety and PTSD. Scary right? it's just that one thing i live with. i'm not trying to get people to feel sorry for me, i'm trying to let people know that sometimes the happiest person is the saddest.

I'm hoping on when i go back to Montana I'll enroll back in school. I'm liberal arts major at the moment, i have just recently decided to that I'm going to go into elementary education program so i can start teaching young people my language. i know your probably wondering what that is, my language is Salish. it's dying and for being as young as i am I've found my passion in life and i have found the one true thing that i know I'll do great in  and make a difference in life. that's all i have ever wanted to do. make a difference in life or a change. i remember in one of my college papers i wrote about how i wanted to be arrested. i didn't really state clearly why, the teacher seen me at the casino during Christmas break and asked me why i wrote that. i laughed and said i didn't explain? i want to be arrested for protest in something i believe in. i want to be arrested for making a difference. so i try to smile at every person i see, i open the door for elderly people, i say what i think.

on a lot of levels the fight i have is caused by the things i have been through and the things i have seen. i might be 22 but i can't have a function able relationship because I'm so use to being hurt. i use sex as an icebreaker because i was raped at 17. i'm use to going with out stuff because i lived poor. i don't ask for help because my mom kicked me out and same with my dad. i don't know what it's like to have a normal family. i know i know there is no such thing as a normal family, mine is no where near perfect or functional.

recap:
i'm miranda, i like to be called roo or likok.
i work at bath and body works at the moment, but i plan on becoming on being a salish teacher. i seem normal on the outside but i'm really broken on inside. i want to make a difference in the world. i fight stereo types all day long because i'm native american and i love to have a great time. i'm miranda roo!

feb. 15, 2011

well hello there!

my first blog so far, no i'm not a stranger to this. i am 22 years young; what does that mean? it means i've had myspace. that was joke if you didn't catch on. anyways its a day after the horrible love sick day. as i like to say it's just an excuse for people to get laid. we all know that's what happens. sorry if i sound bitter about it, but i was one of the very many single people that day that realized i had no one to celebrate with and i wasn't getting laid. brings a tear to my face, lol! infact i spent my day working at bath and body works, saying happy valentine's day to every man and women that walked through our doors. what's worse is hearing a man ask me, "you think she'll like this?" common men out there!!! of course your women would love anything you got her. plus it's from bath and body works shooooooooot! she'll love it for sure. i know i would. What have we learned so far? i spent my day working and helping the last minute men and women out there find gifts for loved ones and i was one of the very many single people who didn't get laid last night. That does not mean i didn't try. Meet fred he's 24, black and short. not my type but sex is great and guess what? he's only in my life for sex and that's it. i get ahold of him last night and  he thought he could treat me like a common hooker. I'm sorry i might do some stupid stuff with out thinking and just because i sleep with him and that's it does NOT mean i don't have standards and believe it's okay to be treated like a dirty hoe. Like always we argued and i told him to go to hell because i feel its wrong for him to treat me like that. why is it that men don't understand that it's not okay to make a female feel ashamed or even expect her to lower her standards because the sex is good? no thank you! actually i believe its time to loose that number and move on.

so that's how valentine's day was spent for me. sad story right? well atleast my best friend from montana called and said happy v-day! made the sting go down a little bit. =)