crappy feeling

you know what i hate so damn much?
being stood up, especially to go chill with my brother. i know he's not my boyfriend, he's just a friend but holy crap when you tell me you wanna chill and make it clear that 2day was the day please don't stand me up. i mean its hard enough for me already; with hardly any friends and no life i can barely cope with myself.

round two and i'm still bothered by it. he chills with my brother and my "ex" husband. which by the way was a real fake marriage. i'm sitting here really hurt because i feel like no matter what i can't find a decent enough guy to be friends with or anything. i mean i feel more like an ass because i brought him home to my family. he goes way back with my brothers and me.

i think i just need to go rent a movie and chill out. i'm out. i'm going to try and not let this bother me at all.

old love never dies

its funny how people come and go in your life. for a brief moment i thought i would never ever see this person again that i would live the rest of my life thinking that we ended on bad terms. We actually never really ended though. facebook, seems to be the best way to find people and what do you know we found each other. emotions ran high for days on end between us and eventually the truth came out about everything. why we didn't talk anymore why everything happened. it was nice to know that we went back to our old selves. the smiles and laughs the awesome conversations about nothing. life perceptions for each other. there was one thing that did change, he became a parent. there i was looking at him in different light seeing that he was so happy to be a dad. it was glow i never seen before. well lets make this short.
i moved to CT. when i was 16 and i fell in love this guy at first sight. we never ever became nothing and everyday i was sad and confused. it was like i was in a weird love spell and couldn't break it. it took a fight and me moving to the other side of town to get away from it all. no matter what though he was on my mind. i moved across the country, i caught myself holding onto him by keeping him as a myspace friend. when i noticed i deleted him.
exactly like always he's a blast from the past. he can make me smile with out trying. he can make me cry with just one word, he can make me laugh.... he can me do all of these things and yet like when i was 16 i don't have control over any of it and catch myself falling in love all over again. i see that i'm putting myself in a trap to fail and realize that he was the one that got away from me. But T.Doc you will always be my first love and will always have that power that no other person has had over me.

Is this true? I can post from a txt? If your reading this then it worked! Yay!

break it now please

just break my heart now.

just tell me there's no more mountain dew

just tell me now that you won't call me anymore

just say that you only come around for one thing

just tell me you ate all the cheese

can you just please be honest with me now.

just shatter my heart now so that i can cry

whine

rant

rave

scream

&& get over it.

no need to play hangman with my brains

chances are someone is going to be hung and we all know

it won't

be you...

so please just break it now.

no brake, no brace, save or even stash

pain is pain

I'll get over it

Indians word

lets see if you know what that means

;)

Working at BBW

ugh once again.
i'm working, i don't ever remember not wanting to go to work.
until now.
BBW is a hell hole when it comes to working with Court.
i'll explain sooner or later.
probably later before sooner is a possibility.
lets just say that its a great place when she's not there
and the spastic schedule changes
&& when they listen to me!!!
when i say i can't work closing that means i can't work closing shifts!
dumb dumb i swear!

Nicki Minaj - Moment 4 Life (Clean Version) ft. Drake

 ♥ it!

M- stands for majority rules
I- stands for IDK moments
R- stands for RANDOM THOUGHTS!
A- stands for anxiety
N- stands for the NAH BRAH its not down like that
D- stands for DUH
A-stands for AMAZING!

any objections?

instant reminders

its just a reminder,
when i walk down this street
ride this bus towards such a place

my pain returns full forced
it doesn't stop and takes my rational thoughts away
older male in the house, i'm out

i seen his face,
think of him with every male i'm with
disgusting feelings and thoughts show

i know its been five years
five years of struggling
its just been five years of haunting

gifts are always nice right?
giving is better then recieveing
then why would you take a gift

i seen your face a couple weeks ago
i went to work panic that you recognized me
thoughts were banging messed up

i talked about you after i gave a gift away
he said he remembered you
said he was sorry it happened

i cried all night
even in my dreams i cried
your face kept appearing

five years later
i'm stronger and very scared
scared of every hello and remark made towards me

five years later
i can say i'm not fully healed
so i'm sitting here writing about it

i wonder if you understand the word no now?
if you think about that moment and regret what you did
i wonder if you still think what you did wasn't wrong

instant reminders
when i'm in a room full of older males i don't know
panic attacks when men hit on me

i am what you would call damaged goods
all because my gift was taken
even with screams of no

skipped this ooopss! my introduction

Hello again,
I totally forgot to introduce myself, i was just so bothered by V-day.
My name is Miranda, i tend to go by Roo or Likok for short. i am 22 years old and at the moment i'm stuck in CT. working at Bath & Body Works. Truth is i came out here when i was 21 with intentions of going back home, home is actually in Montana, in a couple of months. things didn't work out and it was always a failed attempt of going back. I'm a native american, salish and blackfeet. it's hard being indian now days. we always face them stereo types of not graduating, suicide, alcoholism, we face the never leaving the reservations thing, loosing our languages, gang violence, the drug use, the list keeps going and going and going. i can proudly say that i have over came alot things, even suicide attempts.

You see, i'm looked at as a really strong women. inside i'm very torn up and hurt. i suffer from depression. the chemical in balance actually rules my life. no matter how hard i try i'm usually over the top happy or way under the radar of sadness. i try to level myself out and no matter how hard i try it never works unless i'm on my medicine. on top of my depression i suffer from anxiety and PTSD. Scary right? it's just that one thing i live with. i'm not trying to get people to feel sorry for me, i'm trying to let people know that sometimes the happiest person is the saddest.

I'm hoping on when i go back to Montana I'll enroll back in school. I'm liberal arts major at the moment, i have just recently decided to that I'm going to go into elementary education program so i can start teaching young people my language. i know your probably wondering what that is, my language is Salish. it's dying and for being as young as i am I've found my passion in life and i have found the one true thing that i know I'll do great in  and make a difference in life. that's all i have ever wanted to do. make a difference in life or a change. i remember in one of my college papers i wrote about how i wanted to be arrested. i didn't really state clearly why, the teacher seen me at the casino during Christmas break and asked me why i wrote that. i laughed and said i didn't explain? i want to be arrested for protest in something i believe in. i want to be arrested for making a difference. so i try to smile at every person i see, i open the door for elderly people, i say what i think.

on a lot of levels the fight i have is caused by the things i have been through and the things i have seen. i might be 22 but i can't have a function able relationship because I'm so use to being hurt. i use sex as an icebreaker because i was raped at 17. i'm use to going with out stuff because i lived poor. i don't ask for help because my mom kicked me out and same with my dad. i don't know what it's like to have a normal family. i know i know there is no such thing as a normal family, mine is no where near perfect or functional.

recap:
i'm miranda, i like to be called roo or likok.
i work at bath and body works at the moment, but i plan on becoming on being a salish teacher. i seem normal on the outside but i'm really broken on inside. i want to make a difference in the world. i fight stereo types all day long because i'm native american and i love to have a great time. i'm miranda roo!

feb. 15, 2011

well hello there!

my first blog so far, no i'm not a stranger to this. i am 22 years young; what does that mean? it means i've had myspace. that was joke if you didn't catch on. anyways its a day after the horrible love sick day. as i like to say it's just an excuse for people to get laid. we all know that's what happens. sorry if i sound bitter about it, but i was one of the very many single people that day that realized i had no one to celebrate with and i wasn't getting laid. brings a tear to my face, lol! infact i spent my day working at bath and body works, saying happy valentine's day to every man and women that walked through our doors. what's worse is hearing a man ask me, "you think she'll like this?" common men out there!!! of course your women would love anything you got her. plus it's from bath and body works shooooooooot! she'll love it for sure. i know i would. What have we learned so far? i spent my day working and helping the last minute men and women out there find gifts for loved ones and i was one of the very many single people who didn't get laid last night. That does not mean i didn't try. Meet fred he's 24, black and short. not my type but sex is great and guess what? he's only in my life for sex and that's it. i get ahold of him last night and  he thought he could treat me like a common hooker. I'm sorry i might do some stupid stuff with out thinking and just because i sleep with him and that's it does NOT mean i don't have standards and believe it's okay to be treated like a dirty hoe. Like always we argued and i told him to go to hell because i feel its wrong for him to treat me like that. why is it that men don't understand that it's not okay to make a female feel ashamed or even expect her to lower her standards because the sex is good? no thank you! actually i believe its time to loose that number and move on.

so that's how valentine's day was spent for me. sad story right? well atleast my best friend from montana called and said happy v-day! made the sting go down a little bit. =)