the countdown starts, "Day Seven"

today is the mark of official countdown.
for seven days i'll post on poem or journal entry about my last few days here in CT.
i know my anxiety will spike and i know my depression will hit me harder then you think.


so this day seven.
right now all i'm feeling is i gotta do what i wanna do before i leave. i gotta fuck fuck fuck. yes i wanna boink every dude i had chances with and never acted on. i wanna drink at a bar soon, i wanna make love one more time to my T., i would so love to hug my mom everyday. i wanna babysit my nephew everyday till i leave. right now i'm freaking out inside cuz i'm leaving. 


i know i asked to go back home, i got my wish. i just didn't know i was gonna be hurting like this. all the feelings and all the emotions are effecting me bad. i keep thinking about when i'll see my brother and girlfriend again? will i be old as hell the next time i see joel? what if the next time i see my mom and dad is when they're dead? when i see terrez again what if i'm married? i shouldn't be think about this cuz that's when i have them random tear drops.


what i did today was nothing. i got up and bullshitted with my brother, watched teen mom 2 and jersey shore. made tuna fish sandwiches, i cleaned my room, put my clothes away. i sat on the couch with mom and hugged her. told my dad he could keep the change after he bought my mountain dew. now what am i doing? its only 9:23 pm and i'm sitting her arguing with T, txtn my cousin cuz she's bored, listening to Ciara's like a boy. i have no life what so ever tonight. last night was popping though. i ran 3.2 miles chilled at home with the rents and then i took off with fred for a while. he's a real asshole but sex is great.  my only sex buddy by the way. i just have put it out there that it was the best yet....LMAO!
so lets hope day seven ends great and i wake up on day six happy. =) i'll keep you updated

first love never dies

truth is this...
6 years and i still love this guy. it never ended and we were never ever together like that. so we'll call him T. and the stupid bitch that interferes with us is C.

i was 16 and way dumb to the city ways
apparently i was his gurl...
that's when i fell in love with you
that school bus gave us a ride straight to love
we had our little crew too
they all knew we were the new hot thing
didn't matter what was going on we had each other

i had a crappy life style
all the mental and emotional abuse
i remember i seen you when they closed them ambulance doors.
i cried not cuz my dad knocked my tooth out but cuz you seen me like that
T something about you had me hooked
in the midst of all this C was on the prowl
new chick from cali and was feeling you the same way i did
no shame them damn cali bastards

i give her some credit cuz she really played me
did me dirty right below my nose
didn't even smell the bullshit
i guess she was the reason we faught alot.
well she was and come to find out C was trying to get with you
so we kinda ended it between us

year passes we ran into each other
didn't really talk
found someone else, he didn't have me fully
T was in my mind
i didn't want it to be over and i wasn't going to except it
C was outta my picture, told the bitch to fuck off
almost beat her ass and she moved.
i moved shortly after.
never to say bye to you.
probably a great thing cuz i didn't want it be a good bye situation.
you were the cute love song we all have and we hit repeat.
T was my personal love song that i could never get over.
3 years in MT and all i could do is think of you.
i remember the summer i graduated, seen you
heart dropped
you could take my pulse in my toes
thump thump thump
fucking blockbuster, how could you not have a place to hide?
anyways i remember you smiled a little bit.
i just kept looking forward, i had no idea why i was mad

so here i am year six. i still feel the same way.
not mad, but madly in love.
my mistake is realizing it.
saying it and now i'm forced to believe that i do love him.
oh gee
4 days later we still have shit to talk about.
i cry every night knowing that i'm getting on that plane
not knowing when i'll see him again
once again he's going to be my memory
he's gonna be that song on the radio
he's gonna be the guy that no man can live up to
fml right.
six years and i still love you terrez
first love hurts
first love never dies
i know twenty years down the road i'll still feel the same way
it never ended.
so lets hope i don't hurt so much later!